Erase The Pain

Erase all the pain tonight or leave it waiting with baited breath for another day when you just might finally get around to it.

Hopefully by then it will have not been neglected so long that it has become something that is infected or worse something un fixable and life threatening.

And me I'm unrelenting. I see all the flaws and I paint them out. I bleed them out, and I make sure to get every crack, every imperfection, every single piece of litter, every discarded potato chip bag as well as every illuminated reflection of beauty tattooed into my memory, because I want to see it all. Every last bit of truth, every last drop of beauty and every last ugly terrible thing even if it was all at once, I would absorb every aching piece of existence through every pore of my being if I could... every sunset, and every horror. Just for the very perspective of it.

I will fight for you and beside you, but I will not lay down and die with you.

All I see that is Hollow and Empty has become that way for a reason.
Vanity hides itself well in insecurity, and it seems to me in general everyone would rather be Alone in the end then wrong.

Don't even get me started on accountability, and how people are petrified of taking it. Either people take it all in and become a sobbing pathetic heap on the ground begging for forgiveness that the self righteous kick showing no mercy or respect for, or people deflect it as if it were rabies. It scares the living shit out of me how little people really understand about themselves... or how many people literally let guilt or the fear of losing what little they do know about themselves to dictate their entire existence.

Everybody lies, but why? There is always a reason. The lie is never as interesting as the reasons behind it. If no truth is spoken, then no lies can hide is in itself a hypocritical statement. Omission is lying, I know, I'm Human, and I've done it too... and I always had a very interesting reason for it. When what you have with someone is only OK because it is based on something you're not telling them then the thing you have with that person is a lie itself. A lie you live. A selfish lie, because the other person Isn't in on the real scenario.

Then what purpose does the delusion of that person serve for you? Is it a legal fix? A living breathing drug or is it something you really believe is real? I'd like to say it's non lethal but when feelings are involved emotions can always end up causing permanent damage to someone or something. Things like that have a way of blowing themselves up in the face of everyone involved 10x more powerfully then when the thing was in the phase where there was only a mere threat, and you were busy laughing in it's face as you would a teenager prank calling you with a bomb threat during some late hour of the night.

Recently I saw someone poise the question... "Why is is so hard to believe?"
I wonder that too, almost constantly. Except sometimes my version of that question ends up "Why is it so hard to believe in me?"

Is it because people are hardwired to avoid the detailed truth and vie for The Matrix to keep their lives and self perspectives clean, or is the Truth so foreign it sounds like a lie? It could be either I'm sure depending on the circumstance.

Either way I'm slipping...
Faith & Hope this world can be better then it is keeps me in the fight.
That people can be better then they are, and not only hold the capability to be that, but want to be. Strength Isn't only for the weak anymore, so why do so many people just want to settle for the status quo? Isn't it better to snap your broken bone back into place then walk around all disfigured, mangled, and in pain the rest of your life? Why are people so terrified to look in the mirror and see what's broken? I'm sure everyone's individual answer to that is different and highly dependent on a number of afflicting circumstantial factors, but in whole society, as different as we all may be, still in mass proportionate numbers want to jump on the defensive and ride it all the way to the finish line never looking back again.

In order for people to evolve they have to actually take a look at all that is wrong and fucked up about themselves. It's much easier to never mentally move past things, and stay close to "safe" situations, and "safe" people until you have lulled yourself into a delusional coma where everything is "Ok" but underneath that "Ok" is a dense fog of unshakable misery that at that point makes it too hard to see or identify why it is there.

I don't know how it's more Ok to do these things. It seems that dealing with them and getting them dealt with would be the simpler answer. The logic goes along the lines of "Hey my email box is too full, so I'm just not going to go sort through all of it so I can get new emails". The letters never get read, people get mad, and there is no room for future letters. It's not that I don't do it myself at times... it's just that I don't do it to the extent of my emotional detriment nor do I bottle things up without an expectation of an eventual explosion. Basic physics applies as much to psychology as it does to earthly endeavors. What goes up must come down, and all that mess. Just think about it for minute.

Life is pain. Life is growth.
Get fucking used to it... and maybe you can appreciate the contrast of what is GOOD next to what is BAD and all that is in between. (Zero = Two = Pi).

Not what is "Just Ok" or "Passes The Time". Not some drug, or liquor, or stupid cartoon network, DVD Box Set, Porn, or whatever your particular brand of shutting the world out is, but something actually truly amazing.

The worst thing of all is when cliques arise, and just like what they say is true of the circles of junkies, is true of socio political stimuli within "acceptably normal" cliques, cultures, and things of the like. The cliques try to sell you what is normal, and how to sate yourself with stupid shit and avoid reality as much as possible unless it's utterly necessary. You all drink the same flavor of Koolaid, and entire groups of people mutually validate themselves to make their flimsy realities more solid by USING each one another. Almost in a parasitic fashion.

Not many people have had a kind of spiritual, or emotional enlightenment so they don't know what it is they are missing, but I promise you it does exist. Not that it will save you, as I said myself I find myself slipping, slipping into some pretty dangerous places especially recently.
, but I try to see it more as I'm on an adventure. I'm tired, weary, and sick to death walking to God Knows Where on very thin cracking ice in a Hurricane.

I keep walking because I don't know anything else anymore. It's too cold to think clearly, and I've long forgotten why I started the trek in this direction in the first place but something inside myself, something better then myself assures me it's still important, and I put faith in that. In the needs of my Higher Self. The one that knows that what I need may not necessarily always be good for me, but in the end I'd be in more peril if I'd not have tried for it.

Yet, I won't deny a small part of me isn't terrified the ice is going to finally cave in. I've come to accept a complete lack of control over these things. I stopped caring about the what ifs, and the maybes. I don't even jump when the ice pops beneath my feet anymore. I'm getting numb... and not from the cold. I've just seen a lot. Been through a lot, and my patience is now as thin as the ice I tread to God Knows Where.

I know if I Erase The Pain, I Erase Real Life.

I believe in Real Life.
I believe it exists, and it's out there.
That it exceeds and shatters existentialism into one million pieces, that there is such a thing as a tangible reality... one that isn't just a cultural illusion mutually masturbated into validation and perception by others agreeing to believe the same.

In that Real Tangible Reality, there will always be friction, because without friction stasis occurs. Stasis is giving up, stasis is everything I don't want in life. I'm a warrior... always fighting, and tearing down the walls to grow. It's inevitable. You're either in to evolve, or you shouldn't be in it. Find some happy medium or cycle to jump into and live in it for the rest of your God Forsaken life, and for the love of GOD do not follow me out onto the ice because I'm tired of having to tread backwards 80 miles to save a coward from slipping through the cracks. It wastes your time, and my time. If the idea of a perfect life for you is simplistic, then having me in yours is definitely the wrong thing to do... and though this may strike you as numb or callously worded... it's true.

Oh, and the things I have become numbed to doesn't make me less human it makes me strong... because I can still feel it. I let myself feel every bit of it. I just don't let it rule me.

And the things I have become impatient with exist so I no longer waste my time or my life on the things I don't want it to be.

The battles I've fought to become who I am now have taught me a strength I'd have never have known if I hadn't fought them, and I am not vindictive... I didn't come out the other side wrong. I don't think the world ends and begins with me, but I do have plenty to say. I always have.

So I'll take the pain as it teaches me what I Need, and when I no longer Need it...
It'll show itself out the door.